1000 words on discovering I’m loved.

I am 36 years and until recently I didn’t realize I deserved to be loved just as I am. I had never fully considered that even as flawed as I am, that I could still be loved. My past and negative traits do not exclude me from love, but why did I not know this? Certainly I have loved people and I knew people loved me but there was always a voice that said you don’t deserve any of it. You don’t deserve love. 

I recently had a really stressful month. I was in school and working full-time. I was buying a house and was the realtor doing the deal. At the end of it, I was relieved and exhausted and I should have been happy. I had everything I worked for and more. But a voice continued to tell me I didn’t deserve. I didn’t deserve the house I worked for. I didn’t deserve the relationship I worked for. My friends. All of it. I heard this voice before but now I’m what should have been one of the happiest of my life, it was louder than ever. I become edgy and depressed, snapping at people and yelling at strangers. I could not articulate why I was feeling this way so I become terribly anxious. I was in a constant state of fear. My survival mode said, “things are so good, but this won’t last.” After a few weeks of this, I decided to go to therapy. I got a number from a friend and checked with my insurance. When I told my boyfriend all of this he simply said, “is there anything i can do to help?’ He wasn’t judgmental or critical but compassionate and thoughtful. I immediately started crying. I knew I’d be forced to admit out loud what I was going through. All of my hard work, all the hours studying, missing out on nights out, all my friends, this house- I didn’t deserve any of it. I had everything I never really dreamed of. I cried a lot and he listened. Then he told me, ‘you deserve to be loved. You are loved.’ I don’t know why it have never clicked before. I don’t know why I didn’t know that but I felt sad that somewhere along the way I lost that feeling. That even if I failed, I deserved to be loved and I wasn’t loved just because things were going well and I was successful. 

I don’t know why I felt this way but I think it’s universal. Also, I think it has something to do with being gay. A lot of us feel like we don’t deserve the life that everyone else has. We see heteronormative couples and think, we can’t have that type of commitment. We see our siblings getting married and having children and think that won’t happen for us. Why do we think this? Why do we think we don’t deserve what everyone else has? This is a layered problem and I think many people don’t discuss because it’s embarrassing. We all want to have a self-confident image but that’s not exactly what I’m taking about it. I’m talking about basic love for yourself. The love that steers you away from self destructive behavior. The love that says if you’re in debt or gained weight or have trauma, it doesn’t matter where you came from- you still deserve to be loved. Your mistakes do not disqualify you from that. 

It’s something that was ingrained in me when religion entered my life. We are told, you’re not good enough. That your ‘sins’ will condemn you to hell. Imagine being told that being straight meant when you die you were condemned to an eternity in hell? Would you feel confident about your future? Would you feel loved by the people who who looked to for guidance? I didn’t. I saw a culture telling me being gay led to death. After coming out, I had a family member say, ‘I hope you don’t get AIDS.’ I had a pastor telling me (and the entire congregation) being gay led to death and eternal damnation. Does a pastor consider what damage this does to gay people? My parents raised me to be confident of who I was and not let anyone push me around. Then the church pushed me around and they let it. I knew they weren’t correct in their understanding of Christianity, I’ve read all the scriptures, but to a teenager emotion and fear is stronger than rational thinking. I spent the rest of my adolescence and adulthood distancing myself from organized religion and church. I hated it. I held all my faith leaders in contempt for what had been done to me and in some ways I still do. I didn’t have a clear understanding that what they were doing was wrong but it was/is. 

I know that this is not the only reason I have felt unloveable. I’m aware that there are many other factors at play but I’ve heard the same sentiment from many other gay people. We’re human beings, just like you. We have hopes and dreams and plans for the future. This is the reason I will always fight for the underdog, because there was a time that I didn’t have a voice. But I do now and I will always use it. I will always remind people that they are valuable and loved because there are so many voices saying they aren’t. 

It’s taken me this long to realize that I am loved and I am forever grateful to the people that remind me of that.