Hello Darkness, my old friend.
“If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark and that only I can know. Only I can understand my own condition. You live with the threat, you tell me. You live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.” Virginia Woolf to Leonard Woolf, The Hours
The best, most effective way I know how to communicate is to write. I come from an exceedingly verbose family and the only way I’ve ever been able to organize my thoughts is to write them down. (Put the rage on the page ladies!) If I stare at the words long enough and reorder them a dozen times, they start to make sense. I don’t know if this makes me a writer, but it means I write. A lot. My phone is full of notes and observations, funny comments from eavesdropping and general thoughts. The only reasons I choose to share with others is because I hope it helps. It may not and it may annoy the hell out of you that I am so transparent and vulnerable, but that says more about you than me. For me, talking about what we’ve seen and experienced is what makes us human. Sharing stories is the oldest form of literature and the best way to feel comfort and create community. I do have a couple of friends who don’t agree. They think one should keep it inside, but I believe this is a mistake. Actually, I know it’s a mistake.
We know the sordid details of Erika Jayne’s divorce, the complexities of Glennon Doyle’s faith and everyone has seen the video of Reese Witherspoon getting arrested while drunk, yet we feel triggered when our friends want to share their trauma. This refusal to accept or in some cases shame someone for being so open is a mistake. There is nothing to gain, there’s no award for vulnerability and if there was I'm sure most of us would be too anxious to attend. More importantly people need to share, so we don’t feel so lonely. Do you really want someone to feel more isolated in 2021? No you don't, so please stop asking for silence.
Lately, quite a few friends and co-workers have talked about their increasing anxiety. Not the general nervousness we all feel but the real, physical manifestations of anxiety. The shortness of breath, the closed throat, the dizziness, the dread, the complete shut down; all of these are symptoms of anxiety. The more benign symptoms include worrying too much before entering a social situation, not speaking up for fear of being judged and avoiding tasks because frankly we're too unmotivated to finish. All of these are in the realm of anxiety and it need not always be dire, but some times it is. Me and my friends talk about why we're feeling so anxious and how to make it stop. We also wonder how we can support others because the truth is, anxiety is universal. I feel like I got the early bird special as my severe anxiety started to pop up right after the first lockdown, but I am not alone here. This anxiety is coming for everyone. The existential dread of life has finally met the very real existence of a pandemic. This year has been (excuse my language) a motherfucker. The most positive people I know have buckled under the pressure of isolation and lockdowns and uncertainty. It has pushed many people to the ground and in some cases so deep that they bottom began to feel like the only safe place they knew. It’s not easy and I feel for all the people who express their anxieties and are met with a meme saying ‘choose joy’. Fuck joy. People are out here trying to fly a lead balloon. The truth is, there’s more of us dealing with this and frankly, thankfully, we’re not special. I realize in this day and age we’re all ‘special’, but you’re not. And that’s a good thing. This is universal.
When I first told someone (other than my partner) about the panic attacks I’d been having they asked, ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ and I responded ‘I was embarrassed’. Why did I feel that way? Because being mentally ill (for whatever amount of time that is) is embarrassing and therefore even more isolating. Anxiety isn’t just a story for parties, it’s very real and isn’t solved by hiding away in shame. I’ve been trying to digest all these thoughts so I could help myself but by sharing it with you, I hope it helps. This is for everyone who doesn’t feel comfortable talking about or publicly or for anyone who’s embarrassed. I hope this helps you. I hope you feel less alone because I promise you’re not. You are not.
I’ve already spoken about the depths and length of my depression and anxiety in the past. It has generally been seasonal or situational or a side effect of wearing myself down with stress. For the first time, in the last year, I felt I had no control over my anxiety. played a For all of us covid played a part in this but my life is rather privileged. I wasn't in danger of losing my job or my home or even access to healthcare. (Thank you England!) And I'm a fairly positive and energetic person, but that does not exempt anyone from mental health issues. In late summer/early fall my mind wandered to dangerously upsetting places. It was dread for days. I stayed up some nights and thought only of ways that I would die. I was detached and emotional. Hysterical then settled. I started to drink to self medicate, which actually helps in the moment but just leaves you feeling more anxious the next day. On my lowest days I would just focus on the faces of my friends, my family and my partner for relief. I would watch videos from the past as I pulled myself out from what felt like a bottomless well of fear.
I realize what I’ve experienced was traumatic and it seems crazy to say this, but I’m so grateful it happened. Yes, it will go down as some of the worst moments of my life but it fortified the belief that I can survive anything. It was also a reminder that there are good people in this world. One person in particular carried me when I could not even manage my self. When I was stripped of all my defenses, feeling ugly and broken, I had support when I did not feel I deserved it. I sometimes feel like a superhero when I survive these dark moments, but I want to whole heartedly acknowledge the partners who stand by, not fully understanding yet fully supporting. It may be that hardest role ever. It’s thankless and exhausting. I know you may think people who don’t deal with depression and anxiety can’t really understand it. Maybe they don’t, but I do know they have the same fears as you. Your fear of everything going wrong is shared by the friends and family who love you.
I am coming out the other side and I’m so grateful because I feel that my outlook has shifted. People showed me grace and love when I was at my lowest and I will continue to pay that forward. I am not saying I will not ever have a dark period again because I'm sure I will, but now I have better tools to cope. I don't have solid advice for anyone, because this affects us all so differently, except try to get into talk therapy, meditate, drink less, work out, stay healthy and hydrated. Lastly, please (please, please) reach out for help anywhere you can get it. I will say again (loudly and clearly) you are not alone, you can talk about it and you do have people who love you. We are all in this together and together is the only way we’ll survive.
Resources:
US: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
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