Start Here

    Have you ever seen “Julie and Julia”, or “Under the Tuscan Sun”? “Wild”? You know that whole subsection of movies where privileged, white women are magically transported to another part of the world. They learn valuable lessons from the natives and find their true selves. They cook. They have 1-2 (dozen) emotional breakdowns. They have wild, messy hair. They have an almost saint-like supportive friend or partner. About 6 months into this global pandemic, I woke to a startling revelation. This is my life. Like the scene in Rosemary's Baby when our heroine wakes up during the satanic impregnation ritual and says "this isn't a dream, this is really happening!" I thought all of those movies were escapists fantasies but, the joke is on me because now I'm living in one of them. 

    Maybe we all feel that way this year. Lost and trying to stay open minded to the world around us. Like Julie Roberts in "Eat, Pray, Love", I'm filled with anxiety but hopeful for the future. Correction, I'm hanging onto to hope like a rock climber clings to the cliff. It's tenuous some days. I did move across the ocean like Diane Lane in "Under the Tuscan Sun", although I moved with a husband in tow. Some mornings I am living in a Nancy Meyers movie. I cut roses in the garden and sit down at my computer with my strawberry infused water. I study French on my Duolingo app and research apartments in Paris. 

   There have been moments this year where I felt more like Virginia Woolf, sent off to Richmond to protect her sanity. She spent the entire time going stir crazy, begging her husband to take her back to London so she could party with her friends. I get it, girl. I have been reading a book that disputes this entire notion, but for some reason it feels romantic. Also, why do these stories only have female protagonists? Are women the only people who get to go on spiritual and emotional journeys? I suppose men have war stories, but that feels like uneven representation. Men go through this as well. We all do. There is a period or few in all of our lives where we feel untethered and flapping in the wind. We try and grab onto something that will stabilise us, but to find yourself as your own true touchstone is paramount. 

    We moved to London for my partner’s job and visions of an exciting city were met with a swift cancellation. Lockdown was not as bad in the beginning. I discovered the key to success immediately- projects. I studied French, learned how to cook, and watched many, many movies. The one thing I struggled to do was write. I am always writing. My phone is full of stories, notes, anecdotes and quotes I don't want to forget. I listen to people and like every writer I know, I steal things. Writing things down gives me clarity. It’s like the inimitable Joan Didion said, “I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” However, in lockdown, isolated and separated from my friends and family I couldn’t find the energy or inspiration to process my feelings. In fact, I didn’t want to process my feelings. I was in survival mode, distracting myself from what was really happening. The world seemed like it was falling apart and my old tried and true survival technique was to distance myself from the situation. It's sad, but its also sane at the same time. Who wanted to process everything we had to deal with this year?

    

    What’s different now? I don't know. I just know this feels like the only way to temper my anxiety. Two days ago, when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died I spent all day on my phone, reading the news. Reading twitter. Checking the news, again. Then texting friends to interrupt their day with my neuroses. It made my anxiety so much worse. I could feel my heart race, my pulse quickening- it was palpable. Like most drugs, the high was not worth the hangover. So where do I go from here? It’s easy and it’s complicated. I want to stay informed, but enjoy my life. I want to pass on good stories, important news and show support for the causes that mean so much to me, however I want my actions to speak louder than an Instagram post. My goal will be to DO because A) doing requires action and being involved in real life interactions and B) it has real actual effects. I fully recognise my great privilege in these dark times and all I can do is create light and support. Inform myself and others. Vote. 

    As writing holds me accountable and introspective, I’ll be documenting what I’m doing, where I’m going and what I’m seeing. I want to remind myself about the small, great things that I do every day. I'll be cooking, writing, watching movies, safely travelling and learning as I go. I absolutely refuse and reject the idea that any year was a waste. Hopefully, this journey will help you refuse that negative affirmation as well.